I hate adoption.

We hear all about the adoptive parents side– how challenging it is, how difficult it is to raise traumatized children, but we never hear from the adoptive siblings point of view.  All my life I have heard of what incredible parents I have (and I do), but never once has someone told me what an “incredible job” I have done or what my thoughts were on having adopted siblings.  Mainly, because I was just a kid when it all begin.  I understand that, and that’s okay.  But I’d like to share my honest opinion on adoption.

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When I was seven my parents started down the road of adoption, I was elated, so overwhelmed with excitement at the fact that I was going to have a new sister or brother.  I remember meeting them for the first time, and they felt like family.  We got along and we were happy.  Until the baby boy started screaming in the car and the little girl was cussing me out at bedtime.  I lost part of my parents the day my two new siblings got in the car and made the long journey home with us.  I lost a part of myself that I’ll never have back again- and although that’s hard, I am thankful for it.

Over a 12 year period my parents adopted 10 children– every single one of them unexpected and so worth it.

But over the years I have struggled. Struggles that girls with only biological siblings will never know and friends will never truly understand.  I have been lied to, lied about, stolen from, spit on, cussed out, hit, bit, and accused.  I have heard “Well, Kristianna gets whatever she wants…” “Kristianna is perfect…” and each time it crumbles my heart a little more.  I have heard that I’ll never understand the backgrounds these children have had to suffer through and to give them grace because I have always had what I needed.  In some ways that’s true, and in some ways my heart can’t bear the pain.

It’s hard being an adoptive sister.   The harder you pretend all is well, the further you get from the truth. Because all is not well. Adoption isn’t a fun way to gain siblings, it involves restoration and rebuilding a life that has been torn to the ground and trampled upon. All is not okay and it never will be.  Adoption is a fight. I’ve had days when I am so weary I don’t want to get out of bed. I have had days when I cussed out God and told Him to rewind it all and give me my life back.  I have had days when I ignored my sister because of how much her words cut into my very soul “we all hate you.”. Sure, she has faced her fair share of suffering, but day after endless day I face my own heartaches because of their pasts.

I will be completely honest, I hate people who abuse and abandon children. I hate women who desire drugs and men over their own children.  I hate men who cannot own up to the fact that they have children to be raised. I hate laws that make children orphans.  I hate poverty that rips families apart.  And I hate adoption.  Because adoption means there is pain and suffering behind the adopted, it means years and years of recovery. It means losing a part of who you are and who your parents are because of it.  We will never be carefree again, because carefree doesn’t exist when there is a child who has threatened to kill foster siblings in the past.

I think God hates adoption too.

Because adoption means brokenness.

Adoption means that the Garden of Eden has been destroyed and Adam and Eve have been engulfed in sin. Adoption means that the world He created in those few glorious days, the world that knew no sin, is forever lost.  It means the human made in His own image ruined their purpose. It means failure and emptiness.  Adoption is shattered pieces that will never fit properly together again, yet, at the same time, adoption is what holds those pieces together.   Adoption means perfection will never exist again, because there will always be scars and pasts that we cannot change. It means God sacrificing to bring light into a dark and hopeless world.

Hallelujah, redemption lives.

Jesus hung upon that cross in humility to suffer for the world of imperfection because He knew adoption was the only option.  His blood would not be our own, His flesh would have no biological relation to ours.  But He would rescue and redeem. His blood would be poured out for lost children He was choosing to call His very own. When all the heavens would see us as unworthy, there was One who became small enough to redeem.  He bent low, and didn’t demand us to change our ways, but told us we were wanted. We were worth all the suffering, all the nights of tears and nightmares.  He reached into the darkness to bring us into the light.  He didn’t care where we had been or what we had endured, He only whispered “you are not alone anymore”. 

Adoption is not beautiful.

Adoption is messy and terrifying.

Adoption is bridging the gap between darkness and light.

Adoption means children who walk through hell and endure what no child should.

Adoption means broken pasts and hearts full of scars.

But adoption is worth it.

Because adoption is redemption.

And I watch as their distress and heartaches pour over into my life and I cling to grace.  Because grace is the only thing saving us all. I cling to the One who has chosen me as a child when my own heart was only sin.  He calls me “child”, and I call them brother and sister. Adoption doesn’t always make sense- that He would love us as His children, or that we should love them as our own.  But love doesn’t ask questions. It’s not easy, but it’s good.

She walks around with a shirt that says “Family rocks”, she’s the one who was literally kicked to the curb.  The one who is terrified that family is not forever, that we are only temporary. That maybe she is not worthy of a family.  It’s a real fear, and it’s not only one she is carrying but so many children who are facing life with nobody to say you are not alone anymore.  One hundred and forty-three million– it’s a statistic that will make no sense to those who have never held an orphan in their arms. But they are walking around with their hearts beating, but they feel they have nothing worth beating for.  They will grow into adults always questioning why they weren’t worthy of a family.

We are called to adopt because adoption is reflecting the Father’s love and grace upon us. As Christian’s, Christ requires only that we believe and follow Him, but as Christ followers, we should long to be like our Father. You have the ability to show a child that we’re all unworthy, but there’s a Father’s love that gives us a new identity and there’s redemption that creates a new beginning. It won’t be easy, but it’ll worth all the hard days, and the times when you feel like you are drowning.  It will be worth the rages and the stealing and the heartbreaks and headaches. It will be worth the sorrow and the pain and the long days of recovery. Because once upon a time, we were that beautiful mess of wounds and tears and emptiness.

I hate adoption because adoption means my siblings have walked through hell and back again. But I love redemption because it’s making broken things into glorious ones.  It’s taking pieces that are shattered and piece by piece redesigning them into the masterpiece they were meant to be. We are all being changed and made new in this love we cannot understand, this grace that is drowning us all.

Hallelujah, brokenness cannot survive when redemption lives. 

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200 thoughts on “I hate adoption.

  1. Wow, if nothing else, thanks for giving me a voice. As the only biogical child amongst siblings who came out of turbulent foster care situations, I’ve often felt like overlooked collateral damage, but felt even more ashamed about having these feeling in the first place. After all, I was so very often reminded how saintly my parents were for adopting, so to resent them for it must be a terrible thing to feel. They allowed a sibling into my life who was abusive in multiple ways. They allowed my childhood home to no longer be a safe place. Did my brothers need to be adopted? Yes. But I also needed parents who advocated for me instead of excusing the behaviors of my adopted brother based on his traumatic history. Although I have wholeheartedly forgiven my (now adult) brother, there will most likely never be reconciliation there. I am still coming to a place of forgiveness with my parents, an I do hope for full reconciliation in that relationship. My husband and I do hope to adopt someday, but do so very mindfully of the dynamic it brings to the family and the effect on each member.

    Thanks again for your honesty and voice,
    Erin

  2. In general, I can understand and agree with so much of what you wrote. But I couldn’t help responding to the part where you talk about “struggles that girls with only biological siblings will never know.” I’m sure there are plenty of aspects of your family experience that really are unique to having adoptive siblings, but at least of the struggles you mentioned, almost all of them sounded familiar to me, and I only have biological siblings. I’ve been lied to, lied about, stolen from, spit on, cussed out, hit, bit, and accused. I’ve heard “M is the perfect one, etc” because I wasn’t the one doing those things and getting in trouble. “Carefree” can also be difficult when your biological sibling regularly threatens to kill herself and your parents are terrified she’ll follow through. I’ve had weeks when I retreated from life because being told “everyone hates you” over and over again is profoundly discouraging whether it comes from a biological or adoptive sibling. And I also felt like my experiences never had a place, in a world full of either happy families or abuse that comes only from parents. I get that your relationship with your bio brother was different, and that’s great, but I wouldn’t assume from that experience that all bio sibling relationships are better or easier than your adoptive sibling relationships. (I also won’t assume things about other people’s experiences or that it *wasn’t* easier in ways, I just know how difficult it’s been for me to begin to unravel the emotional struggles that have come from growing up with my- completely biological- sibling) I’ve always liked the idea of adoption and in some ways feel even more prepared for its potential messiness with the understanding that life is full of messiness, that serious struggles and mental illness can be anywhere, and that there are no guarantees about life with biological children either. That said, the love that you clearly still have for your siblings and the redemption you see in your family is seriously inspiring 🙂

    • I myself am a biolological child with not one, not two, but four adopted siblings. I agree with most of this article. I started crying tears of acceptance when I read some of those first paragraphs when you described what your life was like. I realized that I’m not the only one that feels this way. Life as a biological child with adopted siblings is horrifying sometimes, but it can’t be rewarding. I remember when I was little and always wanting a little sibling because “all my friends had one”, but little I knew. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t get as much attention. I didn’t realize that my whole life would be turned upside down. I didn’t realize that all of my siblings would have special needs, and that they would need more physical and meantal attention than I did. I didn’t realize that my life would change forever. I’ve had my siblings cuss at me. I’ve had my siblings Yellit me. I’ve had my siblings steal from me multiple times. I’ve been hit, kicked, and otherwise hurt by my “new” siblings. Yes, they did go through a lot but I agree that the biological child does go through a lot because of that as well. I’m not saying that what they went through is more or less harder than what the biological child goes through, I’m just pointing out that it is harder than most people think it is. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I hate adoption, but I do think that it is unfair in a sense. I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and some of our paths might be harder and windier than others, but if we trust in him he will help us. I know that my siblings were sent to my family for a reason, I just don’t know what it is yet. As a 14-year-old who has had her “new” siblings for almost 7 years now, I am not sure exactly why they came into my family, but I know that I will get through it.

      • Sorry, that wasn’t supposed to be in reply to your own comment, I just didn’t know how to post it otherwise.

    • Trust me from someone who grew up with 3 older siblings that hated me because I was a baby then at the age of 10 got two foster then another 2 later that year. After we adopted those 4 we adopted 3 more, I understand her a little better then I think you did. She isn’t saying you don’t have those problems with biological family because sometimes you will. The difference is you will never I repeat NEVER feel guilty for being hurt when your biological sister calls you fat or that she hates you. But when my little sister has a fit and slams me into walls and attacks me I just take it and hold her till she breaks down crying. By the time she’s over being mad and starts crying I’m crying too. Even time I find a bruise from one of the kids I cry because I know they’ve had worse. That’s the difference. You feel guilty just for hurting. And that’s probably one of the toughest thing to do.

    • I grew up with 3 older biological siblings, all of whom struggled from depression/bipolar disorder, alcoholism, drug use, suicide attempts, or anorexia at varying times. I was the one who watched it all and, because of the pain it causes my parents, remained silent and obedient and very often ignored. My eldest sister has bullied me since I was an early adolescent, hated me and hurt me because I was the only one not putting my parents through hell. And to this day (I’m 32) our relationship is still strained, because her refusal to take personal responsibility for the pain she causes has driven us further and further apart. Everyone has different struggles because of different situations. But I agree, biological sibling relationships can be full of pain, abuse, and redemption too. I’ve given up waiting for the redemption of the relationship with my eldest sister, having come to a point where her anger is like poison and I’m tired of getting hurt. Family is hard, period. I’m glad for this topic, though. I’ve been thinking about adoption for a very long time, since before I had 2 children of my own. My biggest fear with adoption is the potential that it could negatively impact the lives of my kids. Excellent food for thought.

  3. My concern for the disruption and possible trauma to my biological daughters’ lives was the main reason my husband and I chose not to adopt through the foster care system. I have deep respect and gratitude for those who have followed that path, but I knew it wasn’t the right way for our family. No other options seemed possible though because our financial situation would not allow for other avenues of adoption. We had truly given up when we finally got “the call”! Our adopted son saved our family, I will always know that. I also know that the process has been equally thrilling and traumatizing. I have seen my daughters literally get giddy when referencing their long-awaited brother (especially when, in the early days, they had temporarily forgotten they now had one!) and I have seen their frustration and impatience, sharing their mother with an extremely active and immature boy who wants constant attention as they have tried to negotiate their difficult teen years.

    I’m very sympathetic to this article, the feelings that prompted it, and all the honesty and charity that accompanies it and, I think, all of the comments that it has prompted, even those that oppose it. This mortal life is messy and unfair and their are many, many people who are trying to make it not just more tolerable, but wonderful for so many others.There is one comment that has caused me concern. Someone said something about an adoptive mother minimalizing her family’s genetics, so as not to make her adoptive children feel inferior or left-out (please forgive my inacurate paraphrasing and interpretation; I just don’t want to go back through the hundreds of comments again; I’m typing this very late at night.) My concern is that perhaps I’ve done that, however inadvertently. I’m very proud and grateful for both sides of my children’s heritage, as well as the brave history of our son’s birth-family, but one thing that is very evident is that we have a lot of genetic predisposition for certain physical and mental illnesses and our daughters are clearly genetically “loaded”. They have suffered extensively for these things. Our son is clearly not burdened by these problems. The contrast is so sharp, it’s hard not to comment on it. I even had a psychologist ask me once if we had chosen to adopt so as not to pass on any more of our troublesome genes! (We had joked about this amongst ourselves but I was a little offended to have a professional actually say it aloud to me.This was not the reason we considered adoption, but rather sudden infertility after a bout with cancer). My daughters, now 18 and 15 years old, both say that they do not want to have biological children because of their concerns of passing on these genetic predispositions. I will always acknowledge the tremendous blessing that adoption has been to our family, and I recognize the practical reasoning of their thinking, as well as the fact that they are both still very young and may change their minds when it comes to it. But it breaks my “mother heart” that, at such a young age they would both be thinking of denying themselves the opportunity of becoming biological mothers. Carrying each of them, feeling them move within me, independent of me, is perhaps the most spiritually-affirming physical experience I’ve ever had. I fear that I’ve encouraged them to feel badly about themselves and their background as they suffer and the health of their adopted brother is so apparent. Gosh, there’s always something for a well-meaning, but imperfect mother to feel guilty about, isn’t there?

    To anyone who’s bothered to read this, thanks for “listening”. I realize that my comments have wandered from the original thread of the conversation, and topic of the original article. I appreciate your indulgence.

    Sincerely,
    Noelle

    • Thank you Noelle for sharing your story. I am a mother of 4 biological and 1 adopted daughters and it is refreshing to hear the honest feelings and frustrations of being a mom. I can relate to the feelings of an imperfect mother (which we all are) and the feelings of guilt. So thank you for sharing your story.

  4. While I have friends and family who have adopted, it’s not my experience. But I was blessed to read this in light of Christ being that sibling. Yes, we’ve all lied, cussed, bit, etc., and it’s been an ugly process of redemption. You have helped fill out that picture for me and I thank you.

  5. I read through tears. I’ve felt the tug of adoption yet one of my biggest concerns has been for my biological children, as my husband and I continue to pray and seek God’s wisdom on if we are truly called to bring any child(ren) into our home that comes from brokeness, I want to protect my children and make sure that they know their feelings and experiences are just as important. Thank you for voicing your heart, your experience, your healing, your love.
    Anyone who says adoption is not hard has either not experienced it (even as a friend) or is lying or in complete denial. No one, no matter how pretty the situation is, gets through life without bumps and bruises. I think even with biological children siblings can experience what you shared, but the difference is, people don’t try to make it all sunshine and roses when biological children talk about the fights, etc with their biological sibling.
    Your story is one of God’s redemption. I hate that adoption must exist, because sin is there and it’s as strong as ever.

    • Adoption has made me who I am today, without it, I don’t know where I would be. It’s been the greatest lesson of my life, I thank God for it. It can be a sacrifice, but it can also be the greatest gift your children will receive.

      Praying for you as you seek His wisdom!

    • Very well said–both in regard to the real world adoptions and the adoption that Jesus paid for with His life! Thank you for expressing this. Also, God bless you as you walk out your missionary calling. I would suspect that you aren’t really part time. I bet your heart burns and your thoughts are consumed most of the time. Once you’ve done what you’ve done, there is no escape!

      • Thank you! Yes, my heart definitely burns for the mission field and I cannot wait for the day that I’m back in Uganda (or wherever He calls me). For now, I’m learning to be a missionary wherever I am. 🙂

  6. Reblogged this on Bubbling Springs and commented:
    Adoption happens because of broken relationships…broken pasts, broken hearts. Adoption isn’t always pretty. It is hard to pursue someone when they are difficult, angry, messy. Even as the pursuer, I am difficult, angry, messy. I am broken yet by grace, I am made whole. I am redeemed. Adoption is worth it. Even in its brokenness and ugliness. My child is worth it. Because adoption is about redemption. God is making all things new.

  7. Reblogged this on Patchwork Farm and commented:
    A friend shared this with me today. It moved me to tears because I could hear the voices of my older children in her words. I was so touched by the raw and honest feelings expressed that I had to share it as well. There is another side, a uglier, harder side of adoption that is often hidden. The hurts that come from adoption are felt by the child in transition but also by the children that are opening their homes and hearts to these broken souls. The sacrifices that are made by all members of the family are numerous but the rewards are eternal. Here is just another look at this road we are walking…this journey of adoption. adoption.

  8. Thank you. Our family is in the process of adopting a child. We have three biological daughters. It is wonderful to hear such inspired, insightful, spirit-filled thoughts from the sibling of adopted children. Thank you.

  9. This was so well written and heart felt and I am so thankful you wrote it. I have an 18 year old son who we adopted and I also have 5 biological kids. One younger and the rest older. This has been extremely hard, as you have described. Those who have not been through adoption, even though they have experienced lies, heart ache, name calling, etc, have no idea what you are describing. It’s a different, lonely, extremely hard world. I loved hearing your perspective because it gives me a clearer picture of what my kids feel. It has given me an inside picture to better understand their hurts and walls that some of them have built up.
    Adoption is hard. It’s hard on the one who is adopted; first of all just because they are in the position of needing to be adopted, and it’s hard on the family who is trying to adjust to all the changes. It’s a wonderful opportunity for God to mold and shape us as He teaches us to love as Jesus loves. The enemy is in a full fledge attack on the family who attacks and he doesn’t let up. But God is faithful and He gives us all we need to fight this spiritual battle. We just better put on that armor! Thanks again!

  10. I’m in my late 40s and recently went on my first missions trip, to a country where, two weeks later, mudslides resulted in many children becoming orphans. My husband and I don’t have children, as I was unable to get pregnant, but your blog post is the 4th “mention” of adoption that has come across my path in as many weeks. I’m feeling like God is trying to get my attention, to consider adopting. I’d sure appreciate any prayer that you and your readers might offer on our behalf as we seek the Lord’s will. The idea of adopting after nearly a quarter-century of being just the two of us scares me like nothing ever has, but I want to be obedient.

    • You might consider an older sibling group. It’s a shorter commitment because they grow up and move out faster (that sounds terrible, doesn’t it), but there are so many that will age out of the system or be separated with no one to spend holidays with. http://www.adoptuskids.org/meet-the-children/search And just keep in mind the goal is not to raise perfect kids–because biological kids aren’t close–but to love them where they’re at and help them grow into the best they can be.

    • Crystal! I will be praying for you and your husband! Adoption is such a beautiful, hard, and rewarding journey! And don’t you love how God gets our attention? If this is what He wants for you, you’ll be unable to ignore it! Blessings to you! ❤

      • Thank you for praying for us. The Lord is so marvelous in how He leads us along in understanding His will.

        My husband and I now know what God is calling us to do. I felt such peace and joy when we realized what the call to adoption meant for us. It’s not adoption in a literal sense, but we believe it will impact children for many years to come. Now, our prayer changes to how to make it happen financially and logistically. We’re looking forward to what God has in store! – Crystal

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  12. I am an adoptive mother. We have two adult, biological children and two adopted children, adopted via foster care in September who are age 15 and 11. These two have lived with us for nearly two years. Our oldest Daughter is in college and still lives at home. She is the one who sent me the link to your blog. Thank you for what you’ve written. Adoption is ugly in many ways. Sadly, the ugliness of our adoptive children’s past does bleed over into our lives. There are savage, hurtful words and deeds most days of the week from our 15 yo to our 22 yo. Over and over I remind 22 yo of where 15 yo has come from. I tell her how sorry I am for the drama that has entered our once peaceful home. I cry sometimes because I feel as if I have destroyed my family. Yet…there is so much good! So many positive changes, so many opportunities and so much to look forward to. 22 yo is a trooper and honestly, the best person I know, so caring, so kind. Yet, it wears her down. I fear they will never be friends, much less sisters. Too many people have such a glamorous view of adoption. Too many think we (my husband and I) are saints. If they only knew the frustration and sorrow. We know that God called us to this path and that He will sustain. We know that HE alone mends the broken heart. I do not regret adopting and would do it again. I just wish I had understood the toll it would take on my adult daughter.

  13. Thank you so much for writing this. I am a first time foster mom eight months into a severely challenging placement with two foster siblings. I feel like this could have been written by my own birth daughter. Her and I have been subjected to so much abuse from these two little ones (hitting, spitting, swearing, destruction, kicking, death threats, bruises and on and on) God has been amazing and things have improved dramatically since our first four months of literal hell. This may not be everyone’s foster/adoptive experience but it is for some foster siblings and those stories should be told.

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  15. I’m only Seventeen. This article describes my life almost perfectly. My family has had the same four foster kids in our home for the over four years and they still aren’t adopted. The system even tried to remove all of them and divide them amongst stranger’s homes. They only succeeded in removing the little girl.

    When my little foster sister, B, returned to us right before the Christmas of 2013, it was natural for many of my peers’ responses to be similar to “Oh, things must be so much easier now that she’s home with you guys.” But that wasn’t true at all.

    My life would be so much easier without foster kids.

    I would be able to wake up without the sound of screaming, crying, and stomping feet as a child runs from time out.

    I would actually be able to wake up later because there wouldn’t be so many breakfast dishes to clean up or children to get out the door.

    I would be able to listen to music in the car because there wouldn’t be constant fighting and punching to listen to.

    I would be able to go outside and read a book without refereeing a kickball game and placing the three year old in time out for cussing me out.

    I would be able to sit at home and have a conversation with my mom without being interrupted because a child peed on the basement floor.

    I would be able to have a calm meal without fighting with B to eat every single bite.

    I would be able to sit and enjoy a quiet evening before eight thirty at night.

    I would be able to do school and work more efficiently without all the noise.

    Fours years is a long time.
    There are many things I would not have had to go through if we never even took these kids into our home.

    I wouldn’t have been bitten, hit, slapped, kicked, or head butted because the middle boy didn’t understand emotions or how to communicate his feelings.

    I wouldn’t have had B throw up on me when she was mad that I made her eat a bite of her dinner.

    I wouldn’t have had to hear, “STOP LOVING ME!” from an angry little boy.

    My life could be so easy without these kids.

    But, I don’t want easy.

    I want to be wowed.

    I don’t want God to make my life easy, I want God to show me how big he is through my life.
    I dared to ask God to wow me, and that is a scary prayer to pray. When you ask God to take your life and make something completely amazing out it, something I could never imagine, you are headed to a lot of confusion, hurt, and blessings beyond compare.

    It’s easy to look at Jesus’ life and say “Yeah, I know he felt pain on the cross,” but still disregard his understanding of other hurt. His life, not just death, wasn’t easy. If he was bullied as a child, do you think that hurt? When he made the right decision while his friends ridiculed him for not going along with them, do you think that hurt? When he was telling the truth, and no one listened, do you think that hurt? I don’t know everything about Jesus’ childhood, but I know enough about His character to know that he probably felt this kind of emotional hurt. Jesus certainly didn’t chose the “easy” way by coming to die for the mess of me, and I am so glad he didn’t chose easy. He didn’t just sacrifice by dieing, he sacrificed by coming, living, growing up. He understands the difference between choosing easy and choosing hard for something so much greater.

    I didn’t ask God to hurt me.

    I asked Him to wow me.

    He’s worked so many miracles in the past four years that I can’t even think of them all. But there are three miracles that I will never forget.

    The three oldest kids have given their hearts to God, and that wows me.

    God isn’t done.

    He’s not done working.
    He’s not done wowing.

    That probably means that I’m not done hurting.

    But there is no way, that I am about to ask God to make my life easier by finding a new home for these kids. They are pain that I accept because of how big my God is.

    My pain is big, but my God is bigger.

  16. We have walked this road as well through being a foster and adoptive family with biological children. This has encouraged me to be sure I acknowledge the pain this path has brought to our oldest 2. We always discuss the rewards of what we do and include them in each and every prayerful decision we make, but I realize now we do not discuss the pain/hardships enough. This mom thanks you for being real!

    Dawn (Virginia)

  17. I’m very sorry for what you have been through. I think parents should read this when going through the adoption process. I think the parents should pay close attention to the biological children as well with going through the whole process and even after. I’m sure there are many kids who get less attention or pushed under the rug because of a new kid in the family, and that is sad. It is honestly heartbreaking to hear you say that adoption isn’t beautiful. I’m going to have biological children but I also am going to adopt and parts of this are very offensive. You are completely entitled to you opinion but how do you think that makes others feel who have been adopted? or who are adopting? or have that in their family? God loves adoption. With you saying you hate it because it means brokenness etc, that is like saying we should all hate hospitals and doctors because that means sickness and pain are there. All those things are sad and there is always flaws and things happening but that doesn’t mean the things that help are bad. I personally work with foster kids and all have had lives that are so horrific that adoption literally turns most of their lives around in the best way possible. I know there are families that adopt for wrong reasons and such but overall it is extremely beautiful. I do get some of your points and my heart hurts that you have a rough and hurtful experience out of it but it isn’t like that for everyone. This is your blog and good for you to post your heart! That is just a really bold thing to say and it can really hurt others where their heart yearns for that.

    • Hi Victoria!

      I actually ran this past my adopted siblings, and would have never posted it if they had been offended by it. I love them to pieces 🙂

      I was saying I hate that it exists- why do hospital exist? Because of illness, pain, disease… do I love the fact that hospitals exist? No. I love the medicine and the doctors and the healing that takes place there.

      I love the act of adoption, I believe that part of it is beautiful. I love the redemption and the healing that takes place, but I hate the fact that my siblings have had to heal from hurtful pasts. I definitely want to adopt/foster one day as well! Like I said in the post– it’s worth it.

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  21. This is exactly how I feel. I’m a biological child in and adoptive family, and everything you’ve said here made me feel so much better, because I know that I’m not the only one. One thing that has always hurt me is that there’s no support. nothing to help us deal.No one thinks twice about us. So just… thanks. Reading this made me, oddly enough, feel much better.

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  23. Kristianna,
    I just spent an hour searching the internet, trying to find out if it’s unusual for an adopted child to direct their anger toward a bio sibling, and I ended up here. We have 3 adopted children, 17, 14 and 14. The 17 y.o. seems to almost hate our 22 y.o. She won’t even say her name right now. It causes my oldest so much heartache. She could echo everything you said. I sat and cried as I read your post.
    Our three children were adopted as infants, so they haven’t experienced abuse like your sibs, but they still began their lives in brokenness. We’ve had the 17 y.o. in counseling for almost two years. I know she’s in so much pain. I’ve come to believe the only thing worse than adopting is not adopting. I know God led us to them, or them to us, and we couldn’t leave them there. No one in their country would adopt them. Still, right now it’s really painful for all of us. I do trust God will heal us all in his time. Adoption is beautiful, and distressing, and worth it.
    Thanks for sharing your heart. It was very encouraging to me tonight.

  24. I hate adoption too. Although for different reasons. I am aware that when biological children and adopted children share the same parents, it is the biological child who suffers. I am sorry for your suffering and I am glad that you know The One who can heal your wounds. Thank you for sharing your story. I learned some things from you.

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